JOKES

KGO Report that Raiders attendance has decline for 6 years in a row, this

only proofs that California 3 strike law is working!!!!

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. The
only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges
and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer
who could ensure a Super Bowl victory. Then one night, while watching CNN,
he saw a war-zone scene in Iraq.

In one corner of the background, he spotted a young
Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade
straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50
yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great
game of football... and sure enough the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl!!

The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the Coach asks
him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us."
"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son,
"I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"
"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "at this very
moment there are gunshots all around us.

The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.
Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and
I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get assaulted!"
The old lady pauses, then tearfully says, "I will never
forgive you for making us move to Oakland."

An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Boston and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a Patriots fan.

She asks the class to raise their hands if they are Pats fans too.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says:
"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Patriots fan." she replied. The teacher, still shocked, ask: "Well, if you're not a Patriots fan, then who do you support?" "I'm a Charger fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Well Mary!, might you explain why are you a Charger fan?"

"Because my mom and dad are from San Diego and Charger fans, so I'm Charger fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Charger fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug dealer and car thief, what would you be then?"

Mary said, "I'd be a Raiders fan."

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides

One day, Al Davis visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet Owner Al Davis. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

Al Davis smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

Al Davis shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. Al Davis, if you and Raiders Team Bus was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer? "

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

A Cowboy fan, a 49er fan & a Raider fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in & arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze; they were sentenced to death!

However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National holiday the day their trial finished, & the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, & she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Cowboy fan was first in line (he had drunk the least..what a pussy), so he thought about this for a while & then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Cowboy fan had to be carried away bleeding & crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Raider fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), & after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Raider fan out crying like a little bitch.

The 49er fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate..thats how the 49er Empire parties up), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him & said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best & most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal Highness," the 49er fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome & powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Raider fan to my back."

WHAT DOES THE NFL AND BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN HAVE IN COMMON??????

THEY BOTH HAVE COWBOYS THAT SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OAKLAND (CA)--Oakland Raiders football practice was
delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported
finding an unknown white powdery substance on the
practice field. Head coach Art Shell immediately
suspended practice and called the local police and
federal investigators. After a complete analysis FBI
forensic experts determined that the white substance
unknown to players was the GOAL LINE. Practice
resumed after special agents decided the team was
unlikely to encounter the substance again this season.

A Raiders fan walks into a sports bar with his dog. The bartender says,
"Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy says "Please, he's a real avid Raiders fan and our TV just broke.
He's never missed a game."

The bartender relents and the guy and his dog find a place right in front of

the big screen. Halfway through the third quarter, the Raiders score a field

goal. The dog goes crazy! He's chasing his tail, rolling over, doing flips
and generally going wild. The bartender says, "Wow, what's he do if they
score a touchdown?"

The Raiders fan replies, "How should I know? I've only had him for three
years."

Five football fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each was a fan of a different team and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans to their team. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which of them was the most loyal of all.
They continued to argue all the way up the mountain. Finally they reached the top.
The Packer fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Pack!" as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be outdone, the Steeler fan threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming, "This is for Pittsburgh!"
Seeing this, the Bears fan shouted "This is for Da Bears!!!" as he leapt to his death.
The two remaining fans looked at each other in stunned silence. After a minute, the Niner fan bellowed, "This is for The 49er Empire !!"
And then he pushed the Raider fan off the mountain

It is a new school year and the teacher begins to introduce herself to the class.

“Hello class, my name is Lisa, and I live here in Oakland and I've been a raider fan all my life. Who here is a raider fan?”

Everyone raises there hand except for one girl in the back.

The teacher asks her “Why didn’t you raise your hand?”

She replies, “I am not a raider fan. I am a 49er fan.”

Teacher replies, “Why are you a 49er fan?”

“Well my dad is from San Francisco and is a huge 49er fan. And my mom is a 49er fan. So I am a 49er fan too.”

Teacher says, “Well just because your parents like them doesn’t mean you have to like the 49ers. What if your mom was a drug addict and your dad was a rapist? What would you be then?”

The girl replies, “Well then I would be a Raider fan.”